Randy Generals

As someone who never made it out of the enlisted ranks in his military career, I don’t have a good grasp on the recent behavior of the general staff. But with a second Afghanistan commander-in-chief in limbo for what is being deemed “flirtatious” behavior, others are reacting to the unexpected hormonal explosions. “It’s the damned drones,” said a person not authorized to speak for the Pentagon. “With more and more of the real fighting controlled by technocrats at an airbase outside Las Vegas, instead of by commanders at the front, the number of testosterone-displacement-syndrome cases has risen sharply. This is a serious problem, and video games and authorized biographies are only part of the solution.”

Several potential 2016 presidential candidates also wasted little time in weighing in.

Happy to finally be able to explain why someone as belligerent as he is took a series of draft deferments during the Vietnam War, Newt Gingrich said, “The military is the only place left in America where adultery is still a crime . . . except, of course, in Callista’s and my house since I made my peace with God.”

“Crime or no crime,” retorted Rick Santorum, “the real problem here is contraception,” which he called “nothing but a license to commit sin.”

Paul Ryan reassured the Joint Chiefs of Staff that he has “binders full of women” left over from his last campaign.

Flying 42,000 feet above the fray in her Boeing 757, Hilary Clinton was unavailable for comment. As was Bill.

Herman Cain enlisted. He can now be reached at @Herman@fortbragg.gov.