In his first press conference ever, North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un denounced the coverage of “those raggedy little nouveaux” in Africa and the Middle East as “totally not fair. “When I set off a nuclear bomb or have my favorite uncle executed for half-heartedly clapping, I make the front page of The New York Times for like two days,” said a visibly irked Kim. “These guys are page-one for months.”

The reclusive publicity hound then announced changes to get more media “face time.”

First, he has invited Dennis Rodman, the NBA Hall-of-Famer who calls Kim “my friend for life,” back to Pyongyang to coach the national basketball team, because “Americans only pay attention when Dennis shows up and makes an ass of himself." He added, with obvious frustration, "I have called Dennis three times, but so far I’ve only gotten his voicemail.”

Kim has also changed the name of his country to the Democratic Republic from Mars (화성 에서 민주 공화국), “the god, not the planet,” he said, because “using an ancient deity’s name has really worked for ISIS.”

Finally, Kim said he had invited President Obama for a summit on internal security. “When I read about the White House break-in, I knew we could help,” said the leader of the world’s most repressive nation. “My family has run North Korea for 65 years, and nobody has ever even tried to break in.”

After Kim's remarks, a reporter raised his hand to ask a question and was immediately arrested.