In a speech last night to the National Institute for Corporate Entities (NICE!), Justice Antonin Scalia urged corporations to pursue their rights under the Second Amendment. “We have now secured for you two of the three most important constitutional rights – free speech and freedom of religion,” he told the audience. “It’s time to go for the trifecta.” Asserting that corporations have the same right “as any other person” to protect themselves from harm, Scalia suggested the Court would be open to an expansion of the Second Amendment, and he counseled corporations against waiting too long. “Women are ‘feminizing’ the law,” he said, making quotation marks with his fingers, “and on this Court, Ginsburg, Sotomayor and Kagan – like women everywhere – almost always vote as a bloc against the manly virtues. If Hillary is elected in 2016 and packs the court with women, you can kiss District of Columbia v Heller goodbye and my famous line that ‘it is not the role of this Court to pronounce the Second Amendment extinct’. As for gay marriage, don’t get me started.”

Scalia concluded by looking wistfully into a future in which corporations enjoy all the protections of the Bill of Rights. “I dream of an America in which you are secure against unreasonable searches and seizures, cannot be compelled to testify against yourself, and ‘excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed.’

“Each of you is a NICE! person, and don't let the liberals try to tell you otherwise.”